2007 Year End Review

I’m not real good about remembering what year anything happened. I can tell you what music I was listening to, what I was wearing and what I was smelling, but not what year it was. When trying to recall the date of an event, I triangulate using major events in my life. Was it before or after September 11th? Was it before or after I started djing? Did I have any kids at the time? If so, how many? I can usually come up with a rough estimate, give or take a few months. 2007 will be a key year for my inefficient but not grossly unreliable system of memory as it is the year I really committed to my practice. Now, I’ll also label major events in my life as before or after yoga. For example, if someone were to comment on how good my ass looks in these jeans, I could definitively explain it as a by product of my personally growth and I would thank them for noticing. If a co-worker were to say, “My you look especially effervescent today!”, I can reply, “Well, I’m always happy to see you. Namaste!”

Moments of clarity come in many forms and I try to make an occasion of each one. This past year’s moment of clarity calendar is peppered with many entries:

Early in the year, I had significant promotion, or so I thought, at work from a Software Trainer to a Technical Writer and Business Analyst (whatever that is). From the classroom, to the cubicle! Almost immediately, this reinforced what I loved about my career over the past 8 years: I love teaching. I’ve discovered the corporate ladder doesn’t necessarily take you to a higher place. I make more money now, but I miss being in the classroom. Around the same time, I had resigned to my yoga practice. It fit me perfect and I new I would do it for the rest of my life. A yoga studio is basically a classroom. You do the math. Moment of clarity. I’ve got two years of the cubicle life in me, max. That’s just enough for my plan.

Soon after taking my first yoga class, after a year and change of home practice, I started eating a lot less meat. I’ve always loved meat and I have used it as the base for most of my meals. Selfishly, I avoided it one day at lunch when I knew I was going to a Bikram class that night. I didn’t want to be heavy. Subsequently, I had a better workout (and didn’t smell as bad). So I gave this no meat thing a try. I went from avoiding meat during one meal, to avoiding it one day, two days and so on. Quickly, the unfamiliarity of eating a meal without meat wore off and I was able to see all of the real benefits of having a primarily plant and grain based diet (google it if you want). Long story short, everything works much better now, I’ve rediscovered food, and the cashier at the Natural Foods store is much cuter and nicer than the cashier at Burger King.

However 2007 wasn’t all bliss. Unfortunately, I let my personal growth manifest expectation. Through my physical practice and yoga text study (and I read a lot of yoga books), I became quite content with my existence. But as I became more content with my surroundings, so did my expectation develop that others should be as content. As I became less attached to material things, I also expected others to become less attached. What a recipe for disaster. Toward the end of 2007, I felt like I was on two roads at once. One road was leading me toward enlightenment, the other road was leading me toward a prison. As I result, I became increasingly frustrated at my wife and children. I couldn’t understand why my native New Yorker wife couldn’t change her life long habit of being vocal about her discontent, even if its because I got the wrong type of imported parmesan cheese. Couldn’t she just make it work? I would get really frustrated when my 3 year old would only take an orange Flintstone vitamin. Clearly he is setting himself for disappointment once all the orange Flintstone vitamins are gone and he’ll have to choose between red and purple. WHAT WILL HE DO THEN?

As a result, I became stuck in this prison of frustration. I had made so much mental progress over the year and here I was, my happiness was now more dependent on others than it ever has been. I didn’t control it. What happened? It’s like I wasted all that time. The pressure built and I finally blew my fuse. I wouldn’t call it a moment of clarity, but I realized I can not micro manage other peoples’ content and attachment. More like a moment of stupidity for not recognizing the expectations I was creating. This blow up helped me recognize that I have life long anger management issues that need attention. I have some ideas where to start and I an opened minded. There is a lot of work to be done here. More to learn. More to benefit. So I might have ended 2007 a bit wounded, but, more importantly, I began 2008 healing. It is my hope that I heal all year long. I know I have a long way to go, and the mental healing will be far more difficult than the physical healing. With some hard work, I hope to end 2008 without having my happiness dependent on another person’s social and legal, yet erroneously not enforced, obligation to use their turn signal.

They say the physical practice of yoga is just a vehicle to the mental benefits. I see that clearly now. I still have expectations and frustrations, but I am actively seeking to reduce them. In 2006, I spent a lot of time in the glossy celebrity news section of my bookstore. Last year, I spent a lot of time in the Yoga section. I didn’t spend all my time there though, did you follow Britney this year? WTF? Perhaps I’ll spend a lot of time in the Self Improvement section in 2008? In fact, I’ve already started. Whatever it is I do this year, I’ll probably remember it as an event that happened after I found yoga in 2007. Britney tired to shave her head last year, I tried to shave my ego. Both of us got cut. But I have a supporting family, a commitment to my practice and I am starting 2008 with a nicer ass than I did in 2007. It’s gonna be a good year, for me.

Someone should take Britney to a yoga class.

Yin Yoga

About two weeks ago, I bruised a shoulder bone while doing an “unscheduled dismount” from a forearm stand. My two year old didn’t let me come out of the pose as I had planned, so gravity enthusiastically introduced my right shoulder to the floor. About two days later, I couldn’t lift up my right arm without pain. I didn’t bother me that much, but vinyasas were out of the question. So I thought it would be good time to rest for a while. One week later and I was going crazy with withdrawal. I needed to practice asanas!

What was I to do? Ashtanga wasn’t option. I’m too broke to take some Bikram classes. I need something easy. So I thought about trying to find one of those “Yoga for old ladies” DVDs I mistakenly bought early on. No, it’s not really called "Yoga for old ladies", but that’s what I felt like when I used the DVD. I just couldn’t deal with just sitting in a poses for a few minutes at a time unless it was causing me to sweat. That type of yoga must be for old ladies with no upper body strength right? I thought is was boooooooring. Anyway, perhaps this would be a good time to give it another shot as I felt like a fragile old lady who couldn’t do a push up without a lot of pain. Therefore I decided on Tuesday to resign to my injury and try some of that boring gentle stuff once I put the kids to sleep that night.

As luck would have it, I was also finishing a book that day and needed a new one. For the past 4 months, I’ve read nothing but yoga books. Maybe there was a vampire book in there somewhere, but I’ve been studying/reading Yoga every day. The latest book, “Happy Yoga” by Steve Ross, was awesome. It’s more of a book on happiness than asanas, but it’s all yoga. Being a generally happy person, I didn’t get any moments of clarity from Steve’s book, but I really enjoyed his articulation on happiness and I think a lot of people could get something from that book.

Anyway, on my lunch break I headed down to this Yoga Studio/Bookstore/Health food store a few blocks away from my work to get a new book. I go there for lunch a lot because they have great cheap veggie food and the chicks at the cashier are usually cute. I don’t normally get my books from there do to the apparent snobbyness of the people who work there. Yoga snobs are the worst, but I digress. As I was looking around all of the books, one of them called out to me. I think it would have tapped me on the shoulder if it could, but it’s just a book and books just don’t do that.

As soon as I saw “Yin Yoga”, I remembered my good buddy Cody made a comment on this blog about how it was a good counterpart to my practice or something. I didn’t remember was she said, but if she said something about it, it must be good. Love the Cody. The description said something along the lines of “quiet” yoga and “connective tissue”, neither of which I had clue about. Perfect, I thought; Cody suggested it, seems gentle, might learn something about “connective tissue”. It spoke to me.

By the time 8 o’clock rolled around that night I had almost finished the book! Paul Grilley methodically explains meridians and connective tissue in a format that is easy for a westerner like me to digest. Some of the yoga books try to explain a concept along the line of “this is the way it is, you must have blind faith and follow along” which I just can’t do. For the first time, I was reading something about an intangible yoga “thing” and I didn’t feel like it was a sermon. Paul effective explained that most yoga is a “Yang” type of yoga that focuses solely on making muscles strong and flexible. “Yin” style yoga focuses on the connective tissue and/or fascia that holds your bones in place. Since this tissue is so deep, flowing yoga doesn’t yield enough time for the tissue to be stimulated. Long story short, you have to hold a pose for a long time in order for the tissue to begin to relax and subsequently heal.

I’ll try to keep this long short story shorter (if that makes sense).

My hips always seem tight so I stared with the sitting poses. At first, they seemed typical. “Sit this way and hold it for 5 minutes” was about the extent of the instruction. Seemed simple enough. I couldn’t help but have images pop in my head of the old ladies doing yoga. None of the poses were new to me, but I haven’t held any pose longer than 5 breaths (Ashtanga) or 60 seconds (Bikram). After about 2 minutes, something new started happening! I could feel new sensations, like warmth and energy, coming from the area I was working on. By the time I had gotten through a few poses, I really felt like something amazing was a happening. Opening the connective tissue seemed to allow energy to flow freely through me. Could these be meridians? I’d read about them. Yes, there were! Holy cow, I was actually feeling the energy opening up. This mystical shit isn’t so mystical after all!

After about an hour of practicing, I felt so light and energetic. My hips seemed so flexible, I just wanted to jump around. I even practiced a few karate kicks, which is something I do only when I’m drunk and want to annoy my wife. No, I don’t know actually know karate, but I really enjoy kicking in the air and making that “hiiiiiiiii-ya!” sound. Anyway, here I was enjoying “old lady yoga.” Then it hit me. The past 18 months of heavy duty asana practice had actually calmed me down enough to be able to listen to subtle changes in the body. My previous aversion to gentle style yoga had nothing to do with the yoga itself, it was all me. My mind raced way too much to pay attention to me, so I wrote it off as “old lady yoga.” I’ve read so much about how asanas calm the mind and here was tangible evidence. A MOMENT OF CLARITY!

To sum it all up, I’ve reached a milestone this week. I really feel that my mind has quieted enough for me to enjoy the subtler aspect of gentle asana practice. This is a really big deal for me because I didn’t know I could get to it. The whole meditation thing seemed to be on another planet until now. Now, it seems much closer. I figured out that I don’t need to sweat to feel results. Now I can sit in my living room, while my kids are running around, and do some good yoga. And I don’t think I’ll have an “unscheduled dismount” from butterfly pose.



From here on out, I’ll always include some Yin Yoga asanas into my practice.

Thanks C!

Reincarnation

A popular belief among yogi's is the reincarnation of the spirit. The laws of karma are observed and respected, and death isn't feared. And it is said that a person never really tries yoga for the first time. Rather, they practiced it in a former life. That's why so many yogis, I suspect, experienced a "wait, I have met you before" moment on the mat, early in their practice. I sure did.

My first yoga DVD was Rodney Yee's "Power Yoga". It appeared to be an athletic workout, so I gave it shot. I also bought a really cool mat. One side was Carolina Blue and the other side of the mat the color of the Duke Blue Devils. A true sports fan might chose a side and stick with it, but I figured it was some sort of Ying Yang thing that influenced the design. Brilliant really. And it had the silly little ridges all over it. Surely they were designed for something important. They spoke to me.

Anyway, I got home, ate a steak diner and put the kids to sleep so I could really enjoy the DVD in peace. Long story short, I stared sweating 10 minutes into it and I didn't really think I had done anything other than move around on the floor like I was playing with my kids. 30 minutes into it and I was drentched. The heat was amazing. I got it right then and there. It made sense. A moment of clarity if you will. This is familiar to me. It fit me like a trusty pair of blue jeans. It seemed like I had done this yoga before.

I suspect most yogis know exactly what I am talking about. When you get it, you get it; the vinyasa, the sequence of the asanas, the breathing (pranayama), the sensations, the concentration... it makes sense. I understood the goal of it, and it wasn't just a nice ass. Yoga seemed to have found me. I have this feeling like I was always going to practice yoga, sooner or later.

In hindsight, it makes perfect sense that I am now devoted to my practice. The evidence is there. I mimicked lotus pose as a child after I saw it on TV. My mom made a big deal out if it when I sat that way. The satisfaction I got from saying "look what I can do Mom" and twisting my legs up foreshadowed the "look what I can do Craig" moments, when I reach a new landmark in a posture and I am utterly elated. And I always liked meeting people who did yoga. They were like healthy hippies. They were aloof and distracted at the same time which may not actually be possible, technically speaking. They took something serious, but it wasn't themselves. Good times, those yoga folks.

Reincarnation is beyond my current understanding of things, but I am keeping an open mind. We'll see what happens in my studies. Maybe I did practice in a former life. I always did like saying the word "yoga".

Serious about Yoga

Someone told me I might be getting too serious about my Yoga practice.

I told her to kiss my mula bandha.

Chanting is silly.

And that’s the way, uh-huh uh-huh, I like it. My most recent DVD purchase introduced me to it and I gotta say: It’s kinda cool. First of all, there is something very soothing about doing an “oooohhhhmmmmmmm.” The deeper frequencies produced have a vibrating effect that is similar to the way bass feels from a nice sound system. When you stack your voice on top of others, it really feels like you’re making music. I would imagine The Three Tenors experienced the same unifying feeling as a room full of yogis getting there ohm on. The Sanskrit poems are cool too. While I have no idea what I am saying, repeating the verses helps my mind focus and prepare for the practice ahead. Actually, I don’t think I would like it as much if I knew what I was chanting. I just assume its something wonderful. I discovered this affection for chatting last night when I practiced from memory and a book, instead of a DVD. As I prepared my first Surya Namaskar, I was distracted by the absence of the chanting I was used to doing every night following my DVD. So I gave myself an individual ohm to get started. Chanting has its benefits, but I do feel a little silly chanting about a subject I am unfamiliar in a foreign language. No problem. I’ll take any opportunity to be silly.

It’s been a minute!

Looking at this blog, I just now realized I haven’t posted anything this month! We spent a week on vacation in NC where I have never been happier than when I was playing on the beach with my kids. I planned on visiting different studios during the week, but I sprained my ankle on the first day while I was playing in the sand. So no practice for me for a WHOLE WEEK!

And what difference a week makes. I resumed my home practice this Sunday with a Beginners Practice Ashtanga DVD and it kicked my ass. The combination of having a week off and my intense Bikram practice last month yielded me a relatively week upper body. The Bikram method doesn’t develop the upper body strength as much as some other methods due in part to the lack of Vinyasas which I really enjoy. So downward dog wasn’t as relaxing as it was before, when I was doing a lot of “Power Yoga.” Bikram is on hold for now. I absolutely love the practice but I am a little short on funds and I really want to take some Mysore style classes next month. Hence, I am practicing Ashtanga every night!

I want to take a moment to thank Peter at Bikram Montclair for his encouragement and his venue. Practicing at his studio has helped mature many ideas I have regarding yoga and the rest of my life. I have made some commitments this past month that would have been delayed, if I had not found such a good teacher and studio to match my needs. Namaste dude!

Last night I practiced the Ashtanga Primary Series for the first time. Davis Swenson’s book is awesome (thanks Whitney!)! I started at about 8 pm and before I knew it, I was dripping wet and the time was 9:30. Nicki Dione’s Beginners DVD was helpful in preparing my upper body and legs for the primary series as well as helping me memorize the opening sun salutations and some of the standing series. The book helped fill in the blanks of the standing series, plus introduce me to the sitting series. Good times.

The series is very difficult for me and it will take a lot of discipline to successfully complete it. Through this structured practice, I hope to recognize improvement more so than if I was bouncing all over the place with different methods like I have the past year and a half. Both Bikram and Ashtanga have a defined logical progression of asanas that generate heat and flexibility. Anyone who knows me would probably not describe me as “disciplined” so I find it a little ironic I am attracted to these methods.

Long story short: I am resigning to yoga. In a few years, I’ll be trading my cubical for a full time mat. The dichotomy of my corporate and domestic life is coming to an end. I’m not sure which path I’ll take but the destination is clear. My goal is to be a better person, husband and father. I am very fortunate to have a supporting wife, family and friends to help me along the way. Here goes.

The wife's feedback

So I presented my “Atheism and Yoga? “ post to my wife. After my 5 minute presentation, her response was “Don’t be ridiculous. Yoga is whatever you want it to be. Where is the remote?” I think Alla might be the reincarnation of David Sedaris’s Mom.