Moments of clarity come in many forms and I try to make an occasion of each one. This past year’s moment of clarity calendar is peppered with many entries:
Early in the year, I had significant promotion, or so I thought, at work from a Software Trainer to a Technical Writer and Business Analyst (whatever that is). From the classroom, to the cubicle! Almost immediately, this reinforced what I loved about my career over the past 8 years: I love teaching. I’ve discovered the corporate ladder doesn’t necessarily take you to a higher place. I make more money now, but I miss being in the classroom. Around the same time, I had resigned to my yoga practice. It fit me perfect and I new I would do it for the rest of my life. A yoga studio is basically a classroom. You do the math. Moment of clarity. I’ve got two years of the cubicle life in me, max. That’s just enough for my plan.
Soon after taking my first yoga class, after a year and change of home practice, I started eating a lot less meat. I’ve always loved meat and I have used it as the base for most of my meals. Selfishly, I avoided it one day at lunch when I knew I was going to a Bikram class that night. I didn’t want to be heavy. Subsequently, I had a better workout (and didn’t smell as bad). So I gave this no meat thing a try. I went from avoiding meat during one meal, to avoiding it one day, two days and so on. Quickly, the unfamiliarity of eating a meal without meat wore off and I was able to see all of the real benefits of having a primarily plant and grain based diet (google it if you want). Long story short, everything works much better now, I’ve rediscovered food, and the cashier at the Natural Foods store is much cuter and nicer than the cashier at Burger King.
However 2007 wasn’t all bliss. Unfortunately, I let my personal growth manifest expectation. Through my physical practice and yoga text study (and I read a lot of yoga books), I became quite content with my existence. But as I became more content with my surroundings, so did my expectation develop that others should be as content. As I became less attached to material things, I also expected others to become less attached. What a recipe for disaster. Toward the end of 2007, I felt like I was on two roads at once. One road was leading me toward enlightenment, the other road was leading me toward a prison. As I result, I became increasingly frustrated at my wife and children. I couldn’t understand why my native New Yorker wife couldn’t change her life long habit of being vocal about her discontent, even if its because I got the wrong type of imported parmesan cheese. Couldn’t she just make it work? I would get really frustrated when my 3 year old would only take an orange Flintstone vitamin. Clearly he is setting himself for disappointment once all the orange Flintstone vitamins are gone and he’ll have to choose between red and purple. WHAT WILL HE DO THEN? As a result, I became stuck in this prison of frustration. I had made so much mental progress over the year and here I was, my happiness was now more dependent on others than it ever has been. I didn’t control it. What happened? It’s like I wasted all that time. The pressure built and I finally blew my fuse. I wouldn’t call it a moment of clarity, but I realized I can not micro manage other peoples’ content and attachment. More like a moment of stupidity for not recognizing the expectations I was creating. This blow up helped me recognize that I have life long anger management issues that need attention. I have some ideas where to start and I an opened minded. There is a lot of work to be done here. More to learn. More to benefit. So I might have ended 2007 a bit wounded, but, more importantly, I began 2008 healing. It is my hope that I heal all year long. I know I have a long way to go, and the mental healing will be far more difficult than the physical healing. With some hard work, I hope to end 2008 without having my happiness dependent on another person’s social and legal, yet erroneously not enforced, obligation to use their turn signal.
They say the physical practice of yoga is just a vehicle to the mental benefits. I see that clearly now. I still have expectations and frustrations, but I am actively seeking to reduce them. In 2006, I spent a lot of time in the glossy celebrity news section of my bookstore. Last year, I spent a lot of time in the Yoga section. I didn’t spend all my time there though, did you follow Britney this year? WTF? Perhaps I’ll spend a lot of time in the Self Improvement section in 2008? In fact, I’ve already started. Whatever it is I do this year, I’ll probably remember it as an event that happened after I found yoga in 2007. Britney tired to shave her head last year, I tried to shave my ego. Both of us got cut. But I have a supporting family, a commitment to my practice and I am starting 2008 with a nicer ass than I did in 2007. It’s gonna be a good year, for me. Someone should take Britney to a yoga class.
